The funniest pilot announcements ever made
Great Aviation Quotes- Pilot Humor and Flying Jokes. Lisa Goodpaster · A pilots . Dating a flight attendant. Lisa Goodpaster . Airforce LOVE car decal Military pride USAF mom girlfriend wife fiance on Etsy Captain's wife picked the crew . I THINK it was a private joke with someone on board." "On a flight from Cambodia to Singapore, the captain, sounding very serious, says: 'As. One mouse tells her girlfriend she dates a bat. There was a Captain at Mega Airlines who was listed as the one pilot on almost every first officer's monthly bid.
All the French passengers immediately went into a panic, while the rest of us wondered what the fuss was about! Just had a warning light there, probably a glitch so we'll just contact engineering'. Fifteen minutes later off we went again only to come to another shuddering halt. Big bang and the cabin lights went out. I had actually experienced this before, and knew it was a lightning strike, so wasn't worried - lots of stormy weather in that neck of the woods. Some passengers had a little ripple of concern and then settled down.
Some crying, and - for some reason I have never understood - some climbed over the back of their seats. One presumably green flight attendant went pale and just kind of dropped, not a faint, more of a prayer.
If he hadn't said anything it would have been a lot better. We came too close to another plane and I had to take evasive action. The pilot is drunk and the co-pilot appears to be a baboon'. It was a textbook landing but after a few seconds rolling down the runway, the engines suddenly throttled up, the nose pitched up violently and we were taking off again. There was a lot of nervous chatter in the cabin for about a minute or so while we gained height and levelled off. Then the captain spoke over the tannoy in a thick, comforting Texan drawl: Please fasten your seat belts.
Cabin Crew, stow all loose items and take your seats. Every minor bump was agony and I nearly got arrested for rushing through the gate to the nearest loo. Crew came on the intercom before take-off and told us: I think the cabin crew were even more terrified than the the rest of us about the thought of a plane-load of oiks singing off-key.
Captain makes the following statement to the passengers: We have a small problem.
Top 12 Flight Deck / Cockpit Jokes and Memes #1
All four engines have stopped. We are doing our damnedest to get them going again. I trust you are not in too much distress. All four engines have stopped Some dodgy storm clouds appear and the started to pitch and roll, before suddenly dropping what seemed like hundreds of feet.
The pilot came on and made an announcement in Hindi then in English. The English one was: I will do my best to land the plane'. I went white as the proverbial and the Indian gent next to me asked if I was OK. Made a bit of a stab at a stiff upper lip and asked him if he thought we would get down safely. He asked me why I was worried and told me the pilot had forgotten part of the English statement. Those little, but lovely, two words were: After that, I want all passengers and cabin crew to be belted up and no-one is to walk around for any reason.
The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying. They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better. Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So?
What did you do? Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!
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Haven't you ended it yet? A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?
A man walks up to the counter at the airport. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. Flights never leave from Gate 1 at any terminal in the world. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink! Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it? NO bad side effects. Then The phone rings Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning? You don't have a hangover? We ought to do this more often. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your captain the most handsome pilot in the world, an Adonis, that other hosties will flock to.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest hosti in the world. The frog said, "That will make your captain the richest pilot in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack.
Hosties are clever bitches. St Peter processed them in and told them to go to the next room along and pick up their clocks. So they go into the clock room, and the FO picks up the clock with his name on it, which has stopped at the time he died. He notices that other clocks are still going, and the hands on some occasionally jump 15 minutes at a time.
He asks St Peter why, and is told a little known fact, that when someone masturbates, it actually takes 15 minutes off their life so the hands of the clock move round accordingly. Peter slaps his head and says "I'm sorry, I should have told you we keep Australian's clocks in a different room - we find they make excellent ceiling fans. The effoh is rubbing his neck and looking miserable. The ever so senior Captain asks what the matter is. The effoh reports that his neck is hurting after such a long time in the seat.
The Captain obviously related to this, and said "Ah yes my boy - I often get the same trouble. I have my own way of dealing with it - works every time.
Then I get home, wallow in the tub, have my drink, and then I get out and bonk her rotten, then sleeping with my head using her huge bosoms for a pillow. You should try that!
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I have to say you have a lovely hot-tub! Well, new to me anyway. This unemployed CPL is looking for work when he gets a call from the Malaysian government. All the flying you want, loads of free food and beer, good girls and best of all, money!! So the chap thinks it over and then jumps on the nearest Virgin and off he goes.
About three weeks later he's told to take the Pawnee away for a break and a hour check hours in 3 weeks being about right there. On the way he is overcome with tiredness and has to land in a field of grass. Except that's it's rice and rather wet. He gets out of the plane and lies on the wing, oblivious to his surroundings. Suddenly, out of the distance comes a big white Toyota land Cruiser, and in it is an 18 year old beauty.
Blonde hair, blue eyes, nice white clothes etc. The girl insists our hero join her in the farm house, away from the field and the snakes etc. On the way she tells him her dad is away and she's alone on her own in the house. At length, hero goes to bed, only to be disturbed a while later by a knock on the door. Our boy has to relent and he lets her in - she is wearing very little, nice see through nighty, good body etc.
Pilots and Flight Attendants Jokes at afrocolombianidad.info - Profession Jokes
She gets in beside him and he turns away, as a gesture of gentlemanliness. Heavy about to enjoy his days off, leans over his bed and kisses his wife on the cheek. Slapping her firmly on the bottom, he says "I'm off to the Links to play 9 holes.
Meeting up with his mates at the local course they head out to the first tee. Just past midday our golfers show up at the clubhouse for a few pints. Things get a little carried away and after a couple of beers this gaggle of buxom young ladies turn up. As luck would have it, our Captain hits it off with this young, blonde-haired, blue-eyed sweetheart and before you know it she's inviting him back to her place for some snoggin'.
A wild and passionate afternoon unfolds and they eventually fall asleep in one another's arms.