I am full of self-loathing. How could anyone ever love me? | Life and style | The Guardian
There are obvious similarities here with my own posts on self-loathing; in one post I focused on the drawbacks with dating a self-loather (man or woman), but. Swipe Right is our advice column that tackles the tricky world of online dating. This week: Eva encourages a man with low self-esteem to build. Can adopting an entrepreneurial spirit, such as relationship writer Neely Steinberg recommends, help the self-loathing to jump into the dating.
Some self-loathers will even go so far as to abandon and ghost their partners, even if they really love them and want to be with them. Some even consider that kind of abandonment to be a noble gesture: Refusal To Get Help Sadly, one of the greatest hallmarks of self-loathing is the refusal to get any kind of help. That nothing will help. It may almost seem like they enjoy their misery on some level: This refusal to get help is one of the very reasons why those close to the self-loather end up frustrated, and eventually defeated by their behavior.Mallrats Closet Case Self Loather
And your life can be better for it. You have to show a willingness to work on yourself. Any change of this magnitude will take time and effort. There is no magic cure. Change is a process and the path is not always a straight one. There will be setbacks.
But if you stick to it, the path will eventually lead to a new and more positive way of thinking about yourself.
11 Symptoms Of A Self-Loathing Mindset (+ How To Overcome It)
Professionals Really Can Help As discussed above, a person who is mired in self-loathing might be skeptical about how much a professional therapist or counselor will help.
To combat this, they must suspend their disbelief and remain open-minded to the possibility that this professional knows what they are talking about. They may not trust themselves, but they must trust in the advice they receive and commit to implement any suggestions made. They might not believe it is going to work, but they must not make excuses for not trying. This, in itself, is a battle, because they will likely believe that they are unworthy of feeling good about themselves.
But this same mechanism can be used to combat those very feelings. For it to work, a person must try to remain conscious of their own thoughts and behaviors.
And they must guide those thoughts to a different place to that which they would naturally go. In a negative feedback loop, you seek out information that confirms your self-loathing beliefs. In a positive feedback loop, you can seek out information that confirms just how valuable you are as a person.
A Guide To Dating Someone Who Hates Themselves | Thought Catalog
You purposefully look for instances that show your true worth. These will often be small things, but they have a cumulative effect. Perhaps you made a colleague laugh. Maybe you cooked your family a delicious meal that they were quick to compliment. When anything like this happens, simply ask what it means. Be critical in your thinking and put yourself in the shoes of an observer.
What would they think if they saw these things? What impression would they get of that person? The answer each time should, hopefully, be that they are adding to the world in which they find themselves and the lives they share with others.
They are a net contributor. Society benefits from their presence. They matter to others. Bring out your own issues. Criticizing yourself on the same small details which drag down their mentality can create a kinship that can be helpful to both partners. Listen carefully when they are stressed about their own behavior, their appearance, the security of their financial situation.
More often than not an open ear is the best attitude to have, but relating on similar troubles shows both of you that you are not alone and why you are not alone. Realize their self-criticism comes from a place of concern for being a good person, that their motives are not for pity but for survival, and this results in a constant need to fulfill every responsibility before they think of themselves.
Remind them that not everything must be done this instant, that it is often okay to be selfish and sit on the futon eating Fritos dipped in hummus watching Weeds. The laundry is not going anywhere in an hour or two. There will always be things to do, responsibilities to fill, a few cups in the sink. Note their anger at others when they feel judged.
Realize they are criticizing their co-workers or family members for saying the same things they say to themselves. Lightheartedly note this hypocrisy to them, that somewhere beneath the stress and sweat is the realization that they are a good person, they are doing their absolute best. Realize they are self-critical because they feel the need to be before others are, so no one can hurt them worse than they can hurt themselves.
Remind them it is an immature and dastardly heart that spends more time looking out than looking in. Ask what they want. It is easy to become awash in their need to please and prove they are not selfish that you may forget they have desires as well.
Where do they want to get lunch, what movie would they like to see, do they really care to go to your class reunion?
I am full of self-loathing. How could anyone ever love me?
They may be afraid to speak up for fear of upsetting you or building future ammunition for a hypothetical argument. Smile and push them to divulge what they want. Remind them this is not selfish of them, they will never be attacked for this, this is what affection looks like.